Communication is one of the most important processes of human life, yet in many ways an area of the greatest need for improvement.

Recent scientific discoveries in brain research, especially in regard to emotions, offer valuable information for improving the quality and effectiveness of our communication.

We now know that emotions are processed by a different part of the brain than rational thought. This fact alone should revolutionize our approach to communication. As usual, the Bible was way ahead of the scientific world. The Scriptures speak of the mind and "the heart." Many have missed this all-important distinction, which is the foundation of many practical principles of communication and human relations.

To cover the many ramifications of these new discoveries would fall well beyond the scope of this article. My purpose is to call attention to two distinct "languages"—"head-to-head" and "heart-to-heart"—and offer practical applications in several areas of life.

The degree to which we understand the differences between these two languages and apply them to our communication can be a major factor of success or failure in any relationship.

Daniel Goleman states, "Emotional life is a domain that, as surely as math or reading, can be handled with greater or lesser skill, and requires its unique set of competencies. And how adept a person is at those is crucial to understanding why one person thrives in life, while another, of equal intellect, dead ends" (Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, page 36). The ability to communicate heart-to-heart is a major part of what the author calls "emotional intelligence." Unfortunately, schools offer courses in many languages yet neglect to train students in the universal language of the heart.

I use the term languages in a literal sense. One definition of language is, "a systematic means of communicating ideas or feelings by the use of conventional signs, sounds, gestures, or marks having understood meanings" (Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition, emphasis added). Notice the mention of both ideas and feelings.

Stereotypically, men tend to specialize in head-to-head communication. The emphasis is on information and cognitive content. Logic and factual details are paramount.

Women usually are more adept at heart-to-heart communication. Author Carol Botkin explains, "Although some women manage to become concrete thinkers, … many are more emotional than logical" (What Men Hate About Women by C. S. Neile, page 27). Men’s and women’s brains are structured differently, which accounts for much of this emotional dissimilarity.

As a rule, women tend to be more emotionally expressive than men are. Our culture has cast men into a tough guy role, suggesting that "real men don’t cry." Women seem to find it easier to cry or act out their emotions. Dr. Herbert Hoffman, of the psychology department at Queens College in New York, explains, "Men are brought up to repress their emotions, and they are bewildered and feel helpless when confronted by an emotional female" (What Men Hate About Women by C. S. Neile, page 27). This helpless feeling stems from lack of ability to communicate in the language of feelings. The situation is not unlike someone from the United States trying to talk to someone from another country who doesn’t understand English.

However, lest we overdo the stereotype, let’s remember that all of us (men and women, adults and children) need heart-to-heart communication in certain circumstances in life. Unfortunately, we often receive head-to-head communication instead. For example when a loved one dies, many people tend to feel helpless because there are no words they can say to change the situation. A heart-to-heart communicator will get to the heart of the matter and offer needed comfort.

This underscores an important difference between the two languages. Head-to-head communication is limited to written and verbal messages. Heart-to-heart communication encompasses a much wider range of nonverbal communication. Touching, smiling, winking, hugging, even silence are all-important forms of meaningful heart-to-heart communication. Job’s friends spent a whole week comforting Job without saying a word (Job 2:11-13)! That has to be some kind of record. Unfortunately, they shifted to a head-to-head language, which was misguided and counterproductive. They engaged in a "fix it" approach, which is another characteristic of head-to-head communication.

Being bilingual is essential to successful leadership. A leader must understand and be proficient in both head-to-head and heart-to-heart communication. He must know which is needed in what circumstances and be willing and able to engage in the appropriate form of communication.

One of the main differences between a leader and a manager can be stated in terms of the two languages. A leader inspires people to follow him; a manager simply carries out and gives orders. Put another way, a leader communicates heart-to-heart and not just head-to-head. A manager often lacks the capacity to reach the heart.

Dr. Howard Baker’s lecture on servant leadership at the 2000 General Conference of Elders of the United Church of God focused on many of the dynamics of heart-to-heart communication. The language of the heart is essential to servant leadership.

Let’s consider some specific areas of application. The differences between these two languages are important in many activities of life.

Ministers are expected to be on the giving end when it comes to people’s needs. There are a lot of hurting people in their congregations who need heart-to-heart communication. The other side of the coin is that these members do not have a corner on the market of hurt. Many ministers and wives are also still hurting and desperately need heart-to-heart communication. They must be restored to full emotional health and happiness before they can help members of their congregations with their emotional needs. One simply cannot function well when his or her emotional tank is on empty.

As a church organization, we are in "the people business." Yet some secular corporations who offer goods and services seem to be far ahead of us in understanding and meeting the emotional needs of their employees. This should help us realize the need to make up for lost time with God’s help. The theme of the recent General Conference of Elders was set by split sermons on love and humility followed by the servant leadership presentation, which articulated details of application of those fundamental principles. Hopefully, this indicates God is leading us in this direction. If so, the results can offer a balm of healing to all of us.

When I pastored in El Paso, there were a few occasions when I had to put to use my limited ability to speak in Spanish in order to counsel with Hispanic members there. Although my Spanish leaves a lot to be desired, my ability to converse "un poquito" helped the situation. Not only in practical ways, but also in terms of the members’ appreciation of my efforts to communicate in their language.

The more that counselors understand and use both head and heart languages, the more effective they will be in counseling; and their efforts will be more appreciated by those they counsel.

We have often been reminded that active listening is sometimes more effective than any advice we might hastily deal out. James 1:19 verifies this principle. Conveying concern by active listening is an important dimension of the language of the heart.

One of the main concepts of speaking that I recall from past training suggests, "Tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you told them." That is great advice for organizing a sermonette or sermon by the deductive method. Organization is very important in head-to-head communication. Introduction, body and conclusion. Points, supporting material and transitions. Logic and clarity are certainly important. Some speakers even try to be sure to have seven points.

But how many "points" do you remember from sermons and sermonettes? If you analyze the sermons you remember, chances are they involved a story that gripped you emotionally. Speaking head-to-head accomplishes far less than reaching the head through the heart. Tying important points to anecdotes that engage the emotions is a powerful combination that will help us reach the audience far more effectively.

Looking in the Bible, we can see that Jesus taught with numerous stories. His listeners, even hostile religious leaders, hung on his every word. The head-to-head method is a legacy from the Greek logic and lecture approach (I Corinthians 1:22, 2:1,4), which the U.S. educational system is modeled after.

There are some who prefer the head-to-head method. But even they would benefit more from elements of both languages.

We have already discussed the predominant male and female language preferences. Many marriage problems and difficulties result from the language barrier presented by lack of ability to understand and converse in the other mate’s language. Men tend to "translate" heart-to-heart language, which can be very subjective, into objective terms of head-to-head language.

When a woman says, "I wish I were dead!" she is likely to get a lecture from her husband on why she shouldn’t say such things. What she really means is, "I am really discouraged." The problem is that he hears only the words, because he is thinking head-to-head. He fails to hear the underlying message. What she really needs is his understanding and some reassurance in heart-to-heart language—some time spent in active listening, a hug and words that indicate understanding and concern for her feelings.

Someone should write a dictionary of heart-to-heart terms! Lacking that, women can help their husbands (during more calm times) to understand her terminology. I think it is fair to say that head-to-head language is easier to interpret than heart-to-heart language. Maybe that’s just because I am a man.

Dr. Hoffman suggests, "A woman should assure her mate that when she cries or lets off steam, he’s not always expected to ‘fix things’" (What Men Hate About Women by C. S. Neile, page 27).

The more we can learn each other’s language, the better we can understand and help each other through the challenges and problems of life that we face together.

Children also need to be reached heart-to-heart and not just head-to-head. Feeling loved, appreciated and capable is vitally important to the development of their identity and sense of worth.

Happy employees work harder for their company than unhappy employees. The most successful companies are those who tend to the emotional needs of their employees. This means heart-to-heart communication, not just head-to-head. Non-salaried elders are in a position to make a significant difference on the job by seeking to reach the heart of fellow employees.

Understanding emotions is relatively new to our culture. The fact that so many people use the terms "I think" and "I feel" interchangeably reveals a lack of understanding the difference between thoughts and feelings. It is no wonder that meaningful heart-to-heart communication is often lacking. We must first understand the role emotions play in our lives before we can speak the language of the heart. That’s another whole topic in itself.

So often physical details of performance are emphasized without sufficient concern for matters of the heart. Many books have been written about "feelings." In our past church culture, some have pooh-poohed the importance of feelings and subordinated them to performance.

The heartless legalism of the Scribes and Pharisees was a performance-based religion. Jesus’ ministry emphasized the needs of the heart (Matthew 23:23; 12:7). God is certainly concerned with our performance and our thoughts. But even more, He is concerned with our heart, because that is the source of our commitment and motivation.

We are all familiar with the famous passage, "For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart" (I Samuel 16:7). The down side of this passage speaks to the predominant failure of mankind to relate to each other heart-to-heart. As we gain more of the mind of Christ, we will seek to improve our heart-to-heart communication in every area of our lives.

As stated at the outset, it isn’t possible cover this topic in great detail in one article, nor am I an expert in heart-to-heart communication. We all have much to learn in this area. But we should at least consider a few specific points of practical application that apply to virtually all areas of heart-to-heart communication.

One of the most powerful statements about the responsibility of a minister tells us they are to help promote joy (II Corinthians 1:24). We all know that joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit. Heart-to-heart communication seeks to share that joy with others.

Let’s think about our language—with our spouse, with our children, to fellow members, on the Internet chat rooms, in email, between employees and employers, and in our prayers. If most of what we say is to give orders and instructions and point out errors and problems, where is the joy? Instead of limiting communication to factual data, let’s send more messages of love and appreciation. We have so many means of communication at our disposal—telephone, email, fax machines, greeting cards…. The list goes on and on. Of course direct personal contact is even better.

The so-called "golden rule" suggests that we treat others as we would like to be treated. We all want to feel loved and appreciated. We all want to be happy. If we all concentrate on communicating love and appreciation in all our relationships, we can all benefit from the process. Let’s learn more about communicating heart-to-heart and not just head-to-head.